Waffels for breakfast, Anorexia for lunch

"All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated...As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come: so this bell calls us all: but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness....No man is an island, entire of itself...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved.

Monday, May 17, 2004

"Be a Columbus to whole new continents and worlds within you, opening new channels, not of trade, but of thought."

"The life in us is like the water in the river."
Henry David Thoreau

TIS ONLY IN THEIR DREAMS THAT MEN TRULY BE FREE,
'TWAS ALWAYS THUS, AND ALWAYS THUS WILL BE. -KEATING.

The Tear
When Friendship or Love
Our sympathies move;
When Truth, in a glance, should appear,
The lips may beguile,
With a dimple or smile,
But the test of affection's a Tear:

Too oft is a smile
But the hypocrite's wile,
To mask detestation, or fear;
Give me the soft sigh,
Whilst the soultelling eye
Is dimm'd, for a time, with a Tear:

Mild Charity's glow,
To us mortals below,
Shows the soul from barbarity clear;
Compassion will melt,
Where this virtue is felt,
And its dew is diffused in a Tear:

The man, doom'd to sail
With the blast of the gale,
Through billows Atlantic to steer,
As he bends o'er the wave
Which may soon be his grave,
The green sparkles bright with a Tear;

The Soldier braves death
For a fanciful wreath
In Glory's romantic career;
But he raises the foe
When in battle laid low,
And bathes every wound with a Tear.

If, with high-bounding pride,
He return to his bride!
Renouncing the gore-crimson'd spear;
All his toils are repaid
When, embracing the maid,
From her eyelid he kisses the Tear.

Sweet scene of my youth!
Seat of Friendship and Truth,
Where Love chas'd each fast-fleeting year
Loth to leave thee, I mourn'd,
For a last look I turn'd,
But thy spire was scarce seen through a Tear:

Though my vows I can pour,
To my Mary no more,
My Mary, to Love once so dear,
In the shade of her bow'r,
I remember the hour,
She rewarded those vows with a Tear.

By another possest,
May she live ever blest!
Her name still my heart must revere:
With a sigh I resign,
What I once thought was mine,
And forgive her deceit with a Tear.

Ye friends of my heart,
Ere from you I depart,
This hope to my breast is most near:
If again we shall meet,
In this rural retreat,
May we meet, as we part, with a Tear.

When my soul wings her flight
To the regions of night,
And my corse shall recline on its bier;
As ye pass by the tomb,
Where my ashes consume,
Oh! moisten their dust with a Tear.






Jack
"Mankind is like dogs, not gods - as long as you don't get mad they'll bite you - but stay mad and you'll never be bitten. Dogs don't respect humility and sorrow."

"The fact was I had the vision...I think everyone has...what we lack is the method."

Thursday, May 13, 2004

http://hillary.tblog.com/



Check out my new blog address... I started this new blog because I wanted more options- then about a week later...Blogger updated-Damn. ah well...check it out regardless. its with tblog

http://hillary.tblog.com/



Check out my new blog address... I started this new blog because I wanted more options- then about a week later...Blogger updated-Damn. ah well...check it out regardless. its with tblog

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Thanks lauren for helping me with the test...
I wish I could post photos on here.
that would be really neat-0
I added a comment section in this blog because I'm wondering if anyone ever reads this.
so If you are reading this drop me a comment.
Just so I know. You can just say hi if you want...You don't really have to comment on anything that I write.

Im @ work right now and its boring as hell. I'll write later when I actually have some thing to write about.

Friday, April 23, 2004

HA!
I sold my car for a sucky 275.00
Thats what you can get for a totalled car, I guess.
Fuck the insurance company! I hate those motha fuckers.
ah well... time to move on.
I dont have much to write about. BLAH

LUCID DREAMING
means dreaming while knowing that you are dreaming. This consciousness allows you to guide your dreams. Incidentally, how do you know that you aren't dreaming right now?

here are some symbols in dreams and what they mean.

flying - astral projection
face - identity
fence - limitation
earth - subconscious mind substance
field - subconscious awareness
computer - brain
mathematics - understanding of identity and relativity
Sanskrit - understanding the structure of creation
robes - outer expression
white - awareness
fire - expansion

COLORS :

PINK : the color of love in all it's forms. Often used to show healing through love.

RED : passion, anger.

BLACK : the unconscious mind; void; death of the old.

GREY : fear, confusion.

WHITE : truth, "coming clean", purity; can also be symbolic of death & new beginnings.

GREEN : healing, growth, newness.

BLUE : spirituality; could be a metaphor for "being blue" (look at context of dream).

YELLOW : peacefulness, hope (as in "sunny disposition"); could be a cowardice metaphor.

NUMBERS:

ONE : unity, completeness.

TWO : balance of yin-yang principles, or male/female energies-either it's needed or it's achieved.

THREE : (common dream symbol) the trinity of the Father, Son & Holy Spirit; the 3 principles uniting in harmony, as in body-mind-spirit harmony. This dream has an important spiritual message for you--pay attention!

FIVE : changes!

ABDUCTING SOMEONE : you have an inner desire for power.

BEING ABDUCTED : fearful of conflict. Sometimes indicates fear of having no family or real friends.

ABORTION DREAMT BY MAN : feelings of guilt about something.

ABORTION BY WOMAN : a warning dream.

ABROAD : inner desire to escape.

BEING ABUSED : you may suffer an illness.

ABUSING SOMEONE : financial improvement.

SPEAKING FORIEGN ACCENT : travel.

ACCIDENT AT SEA : fear of relationship break-up.

CAR ACCIDENT : be careful when driving.

PLANE ACCIDENT : financial concerns.

PLAYING ACCORDIAN : indiactes new love.

HEADACHE : keep plans secrtet.

BEING ADMIRED : may indicate illness.

ADMIRING OTHERS : good furtune coming.

ADOPTING : built up love that needs releasing.

BEING ADOPTED : instability within family.

FUN ADVENTURE : forthcoming good news.

BAD ADVENTURE : you fear beaking free.

ALIENS : anxiety over safety.

AMBULANCE : feeling anxious.

BEING AMBUSHED : problems at work.

AMUSEMENT PARK : forthcoming good news.

ANCESTORS : a plea for help.

ANGELS : may indicate concern over your morals.

APES : worried others are taking advantage of you.

CATS : depends on your attitude to cats what this means.

HORSES : may have many meanings including sexual.

APPLAUSE : seeking recognition.

ARMY : facing many difficulties in life.

SHOOTING ARROW AT SOMEBODY : may indicate a wish for sexual relations.

AS AN ARTIST : need recognition.

ASHES : fear of death.

AVALANCHE : warning dream.

And there are tons more.
I am really getting intrested in this stuff. especilly Lucid dreaming.
I think that would totally rock! I want to be able to have awesome dreams and be in control of them.
It sounds like fun and I love to sleep.
I'll write more later.




Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Baker baker can you explain if truly his heart was made of icing
and I wonder how mine could taste
Maybe we could change his mind
Time
Thought I'd made friends with time
Thought we'd be flying
Maybe not this time
Baker Baker baking a cake
Make me a day
Make me whole again
and I wonder if he's okay
If you see him say hi.
- Tori Amos

Im tired
in every aspect of my world.
I want to hide somewhere for a long time...
Go in to hibernation- Like a bear.
I wish I was a bear.
That would be cool.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Can't stop what's coming
Can't stop what's on its way...
- Tori Amos


I recked my car last night and I let someone back in that I shouldn't have. I don't know whats wrong with me.
I knew he was gonna flip the switch today.
Why do I keep going back.
This is just so wrong. Everything I do is so wrong.
I don't know how to change my issues... any help?
any one have any ideas?
tell me Please! I need help.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Hey! Thanks for sticking up for me, lady's!
David's a tool. HAHA. It's hilarious that he tried to get with
Melissa- Shit, He knows we 3 are friends but he tried to disrespect me
in front of ya'll and you girls stood up for me.
Thanks! That means so much to me.
yall are my DOB's! For Eva
haahahaha. Ghetto.
Anyways, Saw Tyler and mark for a bit last night and that was fun...
thank god they didn't put in the girls gone wild video.
Im not so good with all that shit.
Who wants to watch an hour and a half of chicks that
I make fun of flash a video camera. Not I.
But Guy's really dig it I guess...
So stupid. Anything to look at a boob.
Much love to my brothers! Luv YA"LL

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Well things are sucking... Bigtime!
I was very happy with the way my life was going...now, not so much
My grandmother had a heart attack last wednesday...
Its really hard to watch some one you love age and get sick.
Its been really hard for me to deal with the reality that one day she wont be around
and my children will never know her like I knew her.
She is the most amazing woman I know, and I love her very much.

my mother left on sunday morning to go make sure everythings okay in FL.

Im lonely.

there's a growing number of teenage girls that look like streetwalkers.
Thats a big sign of low self esteem.
and insecurity.
I think Im a bitch sometimes
But I cant help it.
Im not a hater. I just don't see how heels and a micromini are in any way practical.
really stupid way to get attention.
Any hoe...
my job feels like it isn''t secure and thats really bothering me.
And I was really looking forward to seeing bob this weekend but I can't go to the show...
I have to work after all.
Major bummer... Sorry Lauren- But Sunday's gonna be awesome... I think my bro might tag along.
That will be fun. Bring Earnie. They are both Capricorns- That means you'll be chillin with three caps.
haha...
Oh! Happy Birthday to Tyler and Brendon This week. Finally twenty one.
Hope you like your gifts.

Monday, April 05, 2004

Why is life so fickle...Maybe its not Life but just people...In My life.
I'm one to talk. I can;t make up my mind most of the time.
I keep telling my self that now is no time for a relationship with
A dude. But my actions get me in to so much trouble.
I started some thing that I don't really want to fininsh or take any where because of work related drama.
Never a good thing but so tempting. SO TEMPTING!
Im just scared of what it might do to my life.
Then I mess around with a person that I am unsure about.
What the fuck is the point to make out with someone? All you are really doing is foreplay
But I don't want to miss lead or make things go farther than they should. Because I am unsure.
Last night was prime example of this. What the fuck was I thinking. There is a destination... A place you are trying to get to.
But If you aren't ready to be there, why even start it. All it was was an innocent kiss... If there is such a thing.
It turned in to some thing very horny and passionate very quickly.
oops.
Only to let him down due to the crime seen situation.
Sorry dude... I just thought you might need to know this before you try to stick your hands down my pants.
I don't know what I want right now. I just want money and security. I know that for sure.
But As far as being a slave to someone... I don't think I'm quite ready for that. Not right now. I need to focus on making money and being successful in some way. I have plans, Big plans and I want to see some of them go through really soon.
paying off debt sucks but Im almost there. Almost but not quite. Then I can spend the money to change my self in a positive way. Get through school. Get Healthy. Have a blast every night and then maybe after I reach that stage I will be ready.
Plus, my slight weight gain has lowerd my self worth a bit. Im not longer as comfortable and daring as I once was. So that makes me feel worse. That is one of the reasons I am unsure. And the feelings put in to sex that I don;t have right now is another thing that holds me down. I wish I wasn't this fucked up all the time. I don't want to be a cock tease but sometimes it feels really good to be held and to kiss.
Even if It is fake and only just for the touch.

Thursday, April 01, 2004

It like this alot lauren...
So I copy you. But I say "true that"


When you're young, you dream of love and happiness, things like flowers and weddings. They never told you of the pain and the drama of life and love. They left out all the stuff before the 'happily ever after'. They never told you life isn't a fairytale, you're not cinderella, and you're fucking lucky to find a prince. How come sleeping beauty got to sleep through all the bad stuff and wake to her prince, and some other chick just had to kiss a frog. Why isn't it as easy as that for us.

I am getting so depressed.
These last few days have been a struggle.
To top it off this white trash chick called me a fat bitch last night.
What a hater. I was minding my own business having a great time with my friend and she
stuck her nose in our conversation and called me a fat bitch for no reason.
Plus work is a bore
and mark is considering another girl.
Which means theres going to be no sex for hillary.
Why would I want to sleep with him if he;s just going to date someother girl?
that doesn't make sence. He has this attitude with me that he doesn't want a relationship-
with anyone (so he says)
But a few weeks ago this girl he use to work with called him and confessed her feelings for him.
She's coming home from school soon and he's "considering" dating her.
Totally blows me away.
I don't understand guys at all. Honestly, I don't want anything to do with them anymore.
They always treat me like i'm not good enough but I know better and I guess It's just gonna
have to wait.
I think I need to see a shrink.

Monday, March 22, 2004

God I want to go Shopping!

Everything was going so great and now...As of yesterday
I am having a shitty life again.
WTF
For real!
Oh well. @ least It motovated me to do my taxes last night.
And I really don't like the way things are going latly. I want to get every thing fixed and
done so I can start my life.

Thursday, March 18, 2004

A Rose is still a rose...Baby Girl, You're Still a flower...

Just wanted to remind you of that... You know who you are.

I need to get out of town.
Life is getting all kinds of blah.
boring and all that bull shit.
I thought about taking the position @ Galleria
But I was advised not to.
So I am not going to.
I will be just chillin here @ stonebriar.
having a great ole' time.
(not so much)

Im sorry about all the bull shit.
He's not good enough for you.
I know you'll find someone who
Will be extra good to you and
not take advantage of you.
You just have to date a few toads before
you find a Prince.
It will happen...Just not with him.
I saw him today, He was all preppy...I just thought
WTF?! This is so not cool-HAHA
You keep looking for that dirty boy! They are more fun anyways
@ Least you won't have to sit around and watch him clean- :)
He is so Dumb.
Call Me, Boo! We Need to talk.













She never mentions the word addiction
In certain company
Yes, she'll tell you she's an orphan
After you meet her family

She paints her eyes as black as night now
She pulls those shades down tight
She gives a smile when the pain comes
The pain gonna' make everything alright

Says she talks to angels
They call her out by her name
Oh yeah, she talks to angels
Says they call her out by her name

She keeps a lock of hair in her pocket
She wears a cross around her neck
Yes the hair is from a little boy
And the cross from someone she has not met
Not yet



She don't know no lovers
None that I've ever seen
And to her that means nothing
But to me it means, means everything

Monday, March 15, 2004

Okay
Things are getting really weird!
Im not sure about anything or anyone right now.
Everything is so fucked up.
I only seem to get with these weird guys that have all these
rule and shit. And Baggage and Problems and "serious Issues"
fuck it.
I don;t need any of it.
They just need to leave me alone.
I can take care of myself
that's all I need to be concerned about.
I keep telling myself these things but It doesn't seem to be working.

Here are the rules I have been faced with in the past 3 mo. From various guys.
- 1. You can;t fall in love with me
- + you can't expect anything from me.

- 2. You have to quit smoking before I'll consider "dating" you
- + You have to put up with my bull shit expectations
+ You have a week and a half to full quit smoking
+ This person claims to have been smoking and wants to hang out all of a sudden
+ Goes back to no smoking rule.
Complete and utter confusion
doesn't make a damn bit of sense to me. So you all should just leave me alone and I will hold my self back
Why do I get all the fucked up guys?
what's wrong with me?

Breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep, this air is blessed, you share with me
This night is wild, so calm and dull, these hearts they race from self control
Your legs are smooth, as they graze mine, ee're doing fine, we're doing nothing at all

My hopes are so high, that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy?
My heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury,
Or wear as jewelery, which ever you prefer.

The words are hushed lets not get busted, just lay entwined here, undiscovered
Safe from the earth and all the stupid questions...
"Hey did you get some?" Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear, so we can get some

Hands down this is the best day I ever remember
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo, the dim of the soft lights
The scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
And the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
And this walk that we shared together
The streets were wet, and the gate was locked so I jumped it, and let you in
And you stood at the door with your hands on my waist
And you kissed me like you meant it
And I knew that you meant it, that you meant it, that you meant it

Friday, March 12, 2004

Yeah...
I have been practically begging mark lately... That really shoots down your self esteem when you are constantly being told No.
I hate this. It really pisses me off.
Its like I'm super crazy. I don't even want it that bad (ok, a little bad, but not THAT much)
Its just when some one denies me I just want to argue about it. WTF is wrong with me.

I need to learn how to just be alone.
Just chill and not even look at guys for a while.
I don;t need this shit. I need to focus and make money and
get everything together.
I need to
-pay off the rest of my debt
-Hang out with my friends
-Have fun
-Sign up for more classes
-take a yoga class
-work as a therapist
-save money
-buy a new car
-Get an apartment with Lauren

And just live life...Go on some road trips
Visit Elizabeth and my grandparents
see the world
go to Austin and Rockport and Vegas
that's what I need to worry about.
Or make plans for.
Who cares- So what, Mark doesn't;t want to be with you, he doesn't want to have sex,
He doesn't really care about anything that doesn't directly involve him...
So what.
I don't need a man to make me happy
Leave David alone, Hes no good and you have already moved on from him- Stop thinking about Henry-He'll never come around
Cameron is great but not for you to be with... Don't Sleep with him even thought you want to.

Monday, March 08, 2004

Well I thought this would be a lot easier
but its not. I have to have more that what is being given.
It just not good enough.
I have needs that have to be fulfilled and as of now they are not being handled
the way I want them to be,
Too bad, it sucks because its really not a lot to handle it's just a little
responsibility and he can't do it.
and I already knew this but I thought I could deal with it
Im getting absolutely nothing out of it and wasting so much time...
I have goals, Damn it!
I need someone who wants to be with me- and only me
and someone who will be cool about everything, not someone who has "rules"
because I;ll never be able to follow them.
I need freedom to be any way I want to and still be respected and the very least LIKED.
this is me rambling on and on but Im just trying to make myself feel better.

Friday, March 05, 2004

Hey
Things are going good...
I can't wait to get paid next Friday.
Its gonna rock!
Not much to write about. Im just trying to get organized and
all caught up. I need to get a good life, where I;m happy. And I am getting there.
Not there yet but almost. :)
I am growing up a lot. Im not out all night long and Im getting stable in my job and Im making plans. It nice. I feel very steady.
I've got some great friends and a wonderful family.
It helps a lot.

Monday, March 01, 2004

I can;t believe some people...Damn.
everyone's gotta be in everyone else's business.
Silly really.
I feel sorry for those people who make it their
main concern to get involved in the personal lives of others.
Even people who say they are your friends still want to get dirt on you and use
information against you.
(No,Lauren- This is not about you. Ha! I just had to clarify that. Even though it doesn't even
describe you in any way. Just makin' sure you know Im talking about someone else.)
I feel sorry for them because it shows how much their life sucks and they have nothing better to do, than to worry about your life. Even though it bears no relevance to their own.
And then to talk about you smugly- to your face,In the company of several people< Acting like they know everything about you. And wanting to make you feel small and shameful.
All the while thinking to themselfs that they are some how better than you, Because they didn;t
make the same decision you did.
That is sick to me.
What a horrible way to raise your self worth.
God, please never allow me to act this way towards any of my friends.
What ever happend to a peaceful exisistance?
I want to to be Peaceful.
That is a vurtue I would like to have more than any other.
I resent this person I described above.
Resentful is the perfect word to describe how I feel about him.

Saturday, February 28, 2004

Work is going good...
We sold so much today. Selling and talking to people give me great energy.
I think it helps me learn to communicate better. I've always had a problem expressing things so that others can understand what I'm saying. I use a lot of profanity..Example: "hey! I'm gonna sell that shit!" Or "let's make some shit" or "look at that shit"
Here at work I can't use that kind of language... So I have to come up with more intelligent ways of explaining things.
Its great to know that people really understand what you are saying and believe you. The great all excited. I have not really thought about the time all day. There's enough to do to keep me interested today...That's rare because I have the attention span of a small dog. Anyways...
Hey I am actually reading a Book right now< called The Dante club...
Its really gorry... It want in to deep detail about maggots eating a dead body in the first chapter.
I don't know< its kind of gross but also strangly interesting. In laurens words "gothic"
haha! I love you boo!
I met the crazy german guy responcible for the production of our company's lasers yesterday and worked with him today as well. He's alot of fun. Makes working alot easier.
I wanna smoke a cig sooo bad. Thats scary... I don't know if I will ever be able to stop smoking.
But I have to try soon... I don't wanna be all gross later in life- I don't want to be restricted to a oxygen tank and shit. That would blow-hard
better get back to work.
lata

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

This is so freakin' boring but at the same time its kinda nice.
I can;t wait till Kenny gets here.
I wanna chill. I don't have to work tomorrow, So I'll be straight kickin' it.
haha.
This computer at work is sucking balls right now...
Its not sending my files to the place it is supposed to.
gurr! I hate it!
Well I guess our shopping trip to condom sense was bunk.
haha, But its always fun to look around in there.
Dude, I sent you so many apartments to check out.
There are some really sweet ones off of marsh and Keller springs.
Fo sho!
Well better go

Monday, February 23, 2004

Oops I Did it again...

haha, only me dude seriously.

Anyways, I have so much money just sitting in my bank account and its killing me.
I want to shop like no other.
This really sucks. I told myself that I will wait till I get paid on Friday to make and purchases for my self.
that's gonna be really hard.
I had to pay a bill today so that was fun. I got to spend a little bit of money.
haha
that's pathetic. I can't wait to get debt free so I can start saving my cash for real.
And actually start making my life happen instead of paying off bills every month.
Credit cards are the devil. Satan I tell you.
This working shit sucks.
haha. Oh well.

Saturday, February 21, 2004

Oh my god
I hope ya'll get this sorted out.
don't fight. It's not fun at all.
Last night was really bizar. It was Zek's birthday and the boy's got
smashed. haha.
beer before liquor, makes you sicker!
may have sounded like a good idea at the time but it turned out to be
not so good.
It sucks when you are sitting in the dirt puking up mexican food all night :)
Amusing all of your friends at the same time.

Friday, February 20, 2004

I'm a Seven
This so freakin' describes me... Its almost scary.
I am super bored right now...
I think lauren is a four.
most def.

Healthy Sevens Are: Optimistic, enthusiastic, spontaneous, idealistic, curious, generous, and often multitalented. They uplift and enliven others and are fun to be around.

Unhealthy Sevens Can Be: Self-centered, self-indulgent, insensitive, narcissistic, hyperactive, undisciplined, and have problems with completion and long-term commitments.

The primary character traits of the Seven, which are experienced to a lessor or greater extent by virtue of the Seven's subtype and the influence of it's wing points, include but are not limited to:

Gluttony:
This is a gluttony for experience and enjoyment. Being active with lots of projects. Over doing and overbooked. Experiencing "a little bit of the very finest of everything". Endless possibilities, many interests. Not staying with one thing too long in case it might get boring, and "boring is death".
Charming:
Outgoing, playful, energetic, engaging, easy laughter (but sometimes with a slightly nervous edge).
Playful:
Life is an adventure. Life is to be enjoyed. A desire to have fun.
Commitment:
Difficulty with commitment, not wanting limits. "I don't believe in limitations." "Keep the door open at any price". "I can make a commitment. I'll stay in the relationship until one or the other of us decides it's time to move on."
Variety:
A man makes a commitment to be an architect, and his weeks and months of imaginative planning and design are filled with one new house after another.
Fascination:
Many interests. An active imagination that easily juggles fascinating inter-relating and inter-connecting ideas and possibilities.
Monkey-mind:
The ability to easily and rapidly shift one's attention from one idea or set of ideas to another and at the same time see the inter-connectedness of the complexity of thoughts and how these thoughts will all come together into a cohesive reality.

"I notice that the reason it seems I jump from one thing to the next is that I usually fail to make known to others the connections of my thoughts. It makes sense to me because I alone know the thread. Maybe we'll be talking about dinner and I'll think about the other couple that invited us to dinner, then I'll picture the other couple in their house the last time we saw each other and I'll remember that they had a nice house and what I like about it. Then I'll think about how I especially like their balcony and how I hope that someday we can get one. That last part is the only part I'll say. It makes sense to me and would to someone else, if I bothered to fill them in.......but that takes too long. :)" -- Amy

Reframing:
The ability to deftly take the proposition of another and play it back in the context or nomenclature of the Seven's point of view. To the other, it seems as if what the Seven plays back "is almost like what I said but somehow different and I wonder if it even has the same meaning?"
Rationalizing:
A talk style which is a way of explaining one's behavior even when no explanation is called for.
Narcissism:
Feeling entitled. Presenting a superior position. "I like me." "I'm OK, so if there's a problem here it must not be me." A Seven panelists in a rapid-fire comeback says something like, "I used to be like that (the other sevens), but now that I'm more evolved my experience is much different."
Active:
The Seven leads a busy life filled with telephone calls, appointments, dates, social engagements, errands, plans and projects. Over-booked and a full plate. With all the activity, a Seven can look like a Three, who's activity is in the context of achievement and results; or like a Two, who's activity is in the context of giving. But the Seven's activity is in the context of the fun or fascination to be derived from the immediate experience while the mind is planning the next.
Pain:
"I stay busy to avoid the pain." "It just doesn't seem to be there." A move off of pain and on to positive options for the future.
Self-aware:
Sevens typically know what they want. Like the rest of us, they have many selves (sub-personalities) but those selves are in reference or response to the Seven and his or her interests and not to others or how others may perceive them.

Basic Fear: Of being deprived and in pain
Basic Desire: To be satisfied and content — to have their needs fulfilled
Enneagram Seven with a Six-Wing: "The Entertainer"
Enneagram Seven with an Eight-Wing: "The Realist"


Profile Summary for the Enneagram Type Seven
Healthy: Highly responsive, excitable, enthusiastic about sensation and experience. Most extroverted type: stimuli bring immediate responses — they find everything invigorating. Lively, vivacious, eager, spontaneous, resilient, cheerful. / Easily become accomplished achievers, generalists who do many different things well: multi-talented. Practical, productive, usually prolific, cross-fertilizing areas of interest. At Their Best: Assimilate experiences in depth, making them deeply grateful and appreciative for what they have. Become awed by the simple wonders of life: joyous and ecstatic. Intimations of spiritual reality, of the boundless goodness of life.

Average: As restlessness increases, want to have more options and choices available to them. Become adventurous and "worldly wise," but less focused, constantly seeking new things and experiences: the sophisticate, connoisseur, and consumer. Money, variety, keeping up with the latest trends important. / Unable to discriminate what they really need, become hyperactive, unable to say "no" to themselves, throwing self into constant activity. Uninhibited, doing and saying whatever comes to mind: storytelling, flamboyant exaggerations, witty wise-cracking, performing. Fear being bored: in perpetual motion, but do too many things — many ideas but little follow through. / Get into conspicuous consumption and all forms of excess. Self-centered, materialistic, and greedy, never feeling that they have enough. Demanding and pushy, yet unsatisfied and jaded. Addictive, hardened, and insensitive.

Unhealthy: Desperate to quell their anxieties, can be impulsive and infantile: do not know when to stop. Addictions and excess take their toll: debauched, depraved, dissipated escapists, offensive and abusive. / In flight from self, acting out impulses rather than dealing with anxiety or frustrations: go out of control, into erratic mood swings, and compulsive actions (manias). / Finally, their energy and health is completely spent: become claustrophobic and panic-stricken. Often give up on themselves and life: deep depression and despair, self-destructive overdoses, impulsive suicide. Generally corresponds to the Manic-Depressive and Histrionic personality disorders.

Key Motivations: Want to maintain their freedom and happiness, to avoid missing out on worthwhile experiences, to keep themselves excited and occupied, to avoid and discharge pain.

Examples: John F. Kennedy, Benjamin Franklin, Leonard Bernstein, Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, Elizabeth Taylor, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Steven Spielberg, Federico Fellini, Richard Feynman, Timothy Leary, Robin Williams, Jim Carey, Mike Myers, Cameron Diaz, Bette Midler, Chuck Berry, Elton John, Mick Jagger, Gianni Versace, Liza Minelli, Joan Collins, Malcolm Forbes, Noel Coward, Sarah Ferguson, Larry King, Joan Rivers, Regis Philbin, Howard Stern, John Belushi, and "Auntie Mame" (Mame).

Existence takes precedence over essence and holding that man is totally free and responsible for his acts. This responsibility is the source of dread and anguish that encompass mankind.

"man makes himself," for there is always, until death, another chance.

"If God does not exist, one will lose nothing by believing in him, while if he does exist, one will lose everything by not believing."
-Blaise Pascal

Life is weird.
people have so many hang ups and it makes living life difficult.
where is the line between normal and strange?
How do you get past other peoples problems and want to incorporate
them in to your own.
Where is the book that tells you which issues are understandable and which are
unforgivable?
I need to know all these things.
Everyone I seem to get involved with has so many issues.
some of them are so passionate about some subjects that its disturbing, Others have problems
with intimacy and other people...
I have hang ups as well but none that really inhibit my life to the point that I have made plans
according to them or raise my anger level to dangerous heights. Its craziness.
total insanity everywhere I turn.
This is my first entry in over a month. I haven't had access to a computer in a while.
IM Having the usual problems with men and Boys. Ha.
But I am dealing with it. Its really not so bad.
Strangely, it makes me feel alive. The chase, the desire, the let down, the heart ache. Its all very exciting.
I don't even think I want to be with anyone long term right now any way.
I need to get my act together.
work is going well. Not much to keep me occupied but Hey, I still get paid every other week and have a good schedule that doesn't change and gives me structure. So that is much better then before.
I'm feeling really good.
I'm falling for some one that I use to date again.
Its such a shame, he's got so many "issues"
Its gonna keep us apart. But that's Ok. I Can deal with whatever comes along and I will only take from him what he wants to give me. No pressure.
Whatever happens, happens. Just like he says.
I think there is something about me that he likes but just doesn't know what it is.
maybe it my eagerness but I hope that's not the only thing that keeps him around.
I believe we have some kind of connection. Neither one of us knows why,Its just there.
maybe it's pure horniness but we shall find out in the near future. I hope it works out for the best.

Sunday, January 18, 2004

Hey!!!
I know I haven't written in a long time but I have had technical difficulties (my computer blew up)
so I guess its time to catch up...
My birthday was on wednesday...Totally shitty
but that goes w/o saying...
umm I haven't talked to henry in a long time and that hurts really bad... if you are reading this- call me, I miss you and I want to know how you've been.
I chatted briefly with Randy and that was unsucessful, I hate to write that off but I guess I have to.
And I started seeing this new guy Vance, but on my birthday he told me that he doesn't want to see me anymore, He likes some other bitch, which is okay because the more I get to know him the less I like him.
he is becoming very unattractive.
He will tell me about how he likes this girl and shes great- he says Im not for him and he also says that he likes me too.
Lies- Anyways he has a real Issue with my age
im 21 he's 24 big deal,right?
I think some one is tring to bull shit a bullshitter.
Not working and the most aggrivating part is that he doesn't have any problems kissing on me or instigating something sexual- Even though he likes this other girl so much. Adam was right vance is a schmuck.

Friday, January 02, 2004

Happy new year!!!
I have had a great holiday this year although the weather here is unseasonably warm... Thats alright I guess...
my dear Eddie... What can I say- Not a good way to ring in the new year. I hope things get better for you.
My 21st birthday is on the 14th and I am very excited about that!
I can't wait to party it up! Even if I have to do it all by myself- Hopefully it wont come to that, but if it does then that's okay.
I have learned that having expectations only makes life Unhappy and gives you a sence of disappointment.
I will have to learn to make my self happy and not expect anything of anyone.
and when I can learn to do that I will be a happy girl. "~
This year I have resolved to take more time for myself and learn all kinds of new things. I want to take more classes @ Asten and also sign up for some art classes at a college. I also need to get a second job and put back money to get a place with Lauren. Of course I'll have to pay off all my bills before that happens, and help my mom find a good place to live so that she will be happier
and also find her a boyfriend. hehe... If you know any single men in their mid to late 40's give me a holler and lets set them up on a date.
night all- Much love!

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

Well two more days till the new year.
That means I'll have to get started on all of my resoultions.
Hehe... I have already started but I still have a ways to go to finish all my plans for the new year. I wrote them all down and its almost a full page.
One promise that I intend to keep is the one about my relationships with guys that dont give a rats ass about me. ( Jeff)
lol-
I saw him last night and it was so fucked up.
I dont think I want to see him anymore. I need to find someone that loves me
instead of wasting my time hoping that things were different.
I saw my love tonight >
I think he will come around one day. but same goes for him. He has only a few day's to be more active in my life or show some interest of being around for me. I will have to put a stop to any physical interaction hehe-
time to sleep or finish my drawing.

Monday, December 29, 2003

I have a dream...

hehe
I talked to My buddy camron tonight tring to convince him that nice guys do, eventually, finish first... It just takes time and a lot of waiting- and masterbating. hehe-
There's nothing I hate more than listening to a conversation that is so fucked up and you can't say anything because it not your conversation to be in.
Men, or should I say boys, have some of the stupidest ideas about women and how to treat them or what they like.
It rediculose to listen to a man who is by age considered a man think and act like a little boy. Any man who thinks that women want to be treated like shit has major issues and needs to grow up or start looking for a better woman to be with. any self respecting woman knows how they should be treated and knows how to treat a man.
The main thing in any relationship- wheather it be a friendship, a family member, or a significant other is respect and honesty.
Those are the two most important quailities in every relationship.
I know that I am not one to talk about making a relationship sucessful because I have my own problems as far as this subject goes. But I can still be objective and have my own thoughts on how things SHOULD be.
Honesty leads to trust and intimacy. Telling some one the truth about how you feel and how you view the world can bond a relationship. It's important- no matter what you've done- always be straight, and up front with the truth. There is nothing worse than being in love with a lier.

Monday, December 22, 2003

Yes! Score! I talked to Randy last night. He is so very cute!
I really want him to be my man. HAHA-
He's so real. No strange hang ups and all that kind of shit. Well as far as I know anyways.
Henry is still not coming through but thats okay. I'm just a little disappointed. I know that I shouldn't feel that way but I do. It's not all that big of a deal but I guess I know where it all stands. thats fine. He needs to be by himself or find someone to put up with his aloof personality. I want to be with someone that is there for me when I need them and vice versa. Thats too much drama. I want something stable that I can count on. I don't want to have to wonder I want to know. thats it. Thats all I want. So I guess its time to put my foot down. Its my fault because I let guys in general treat me badly. I need to get some balls and stand up for myself. I always want to be the nice one. It really gets you no where.

" I sleep with this new girl I'm still getting use to my friends all approve says she's gonna be good for you.
The through me high fives.
She says that the bible is all that she reads and perfers that I don't use profanity. Your mouth was so dirty. Life of the party, and she swears that she's artsy, but you could destinguish Miles from coltrain.
She's perfect, so flawless or so they say.
She thinks I can't see the smile that she's fakin' and poses for pictures that arn't being takin'
Our love was so comfortable, so broken in.
She's perfect, so flawless, I'm not impressed.
I want you back."

Saturday, December 20, 2003

Your fate has been decided....
You are one of the lucky ones! Because of your virtue and beliefs, you have escaped eternal punishment. You are sent to the First Level of Hell - Limbo!
First Level of Hell - Limbo

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Charon ushers you across the river Acheron, and you find yourself upon the brink of grief's abysmal valley. You are in Limbo, a place of sorrow without torment. You encounter a seven-walled castle, and within those walls you find rolling fresh meadows illuminated by the light of reason, whereabout many shades dwell. These are the virtuous pagans, the great philosophers and authors, unbaptised children, and others unfit to enter the kingdom of heaven. You share company with Caesar, Homer, Virgil, Socrates, and Aristotle. There is no punishment here, and the atmosphere is peaceful, yet sad.

Take this quiz! its cool Go to google and type in dantes inferno quiz

Heaven, Everything is fine... Don't worry about all this shit. I'm just being a bitch and I'm sorry.I don't know why but something set me off. I haven't called you because I don't know what to say. I guess something that happened in the past few weeks has reminded me of Rita. Let me tell you about her. This is really strange and I know that. I know I have talked to you about her in the past but now its time to say all of this. I really cared for that girl, but there was nothing I could do as far as she was concerned. I wanted her to be that friend that I told you about. Down for whatever, had my back, thought of me as her sister,family, blood. But as we both know, I didn't turn out that way. She was so vulnerable and that was one of the reasons that I thought it might all work out. Maybe I could help her get back in school and start her life going in a better direction. Show her what It's like to have loyalties to someone and maybe in some way make her feel better about herself and other people. But that was where I went wrong. I didn't understand things about her. She really didn't want that from me. She just wanted a ride and some free ciggs. My fault. I just dont want to make that mistake again. I dont want to get used and upset, I'm not saying that you are going to use me. Im just saying... Its the same shit, the same people that she knew, the same drama that went on, the same drugs, the same way of thinking.
Its to hard to see this again and again. And it really hurts when its someone you care for.
As far as the other shit goes, Don't worry about it and I am sorry for everything. I don't want to cause any problems and I am just tring to say away from all of this shit. I want to be friends with you. I think you are a great girl, I just don't want to see anymore hurt. And I don't want to be a part or responsible for any of it.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

God sometimes you just don't come through
God sometimes you just don't come through
Do you need a woman to look after you
God sometimes you just don't come through


You make pretty daisies pretty daisies love
I gotta find what you're doing about things here
a few witches burning gets a little toasty here
I gotta find why you always go when the wind blows
tell me you're crazy maybe then I'll understand
you got your 9 iron in the back seat just in case
heard you've gone south well babe you love your new 4 wheel
I gotta find why you always go when the wind blows


give not thy strength unto women
nor thy ways to that which destroyeth kings


Will you even tell her if you decide to make the sky fall
will you even tell her if you decide to make the sky


God sometimes you just don't come through
God sometimes you just don't come through
Do you need a woman to look after you
God sometimes you just don't come through



Things are seeming to work out...
I am so excited for 2004!
I have made a list this year for my resolutions! Its really long and I think all of
my resoultions are really atainable.
Thats a plus. Now If I could Just hook the Hottie next door everything would be great!
I really like him and he's 23. Finally someone close to my age.haha!
I saw jeff the other day... on his birthday. that was cool- I guess. ahem-
hehe.
But Randy would be a lot better for me, because Jeff wants nothing to do with me.
Henry has crawled back in to his "cave" and thats just to much crap for me to deal with.
I can't say that I don't still have feelings for him- because I do but they are just not as
strong anymore. I need to learn that he just doesn't care. Then I need to move on and find
some one who cares and has a space for me. Randy is a busy Bee so I dont think I could fit in
his life at this time, but maybe in the near future when he sees that being alone isn't very fun
we can get together. He's just a nice country guy from Oklahoma. I like that. Not very complicated,
Polite,and really cute.

Friday, December 12, 2003

Our lives are to long to live by anothers design.
Make your life worth every second. Continue to grow.
Expand your ablilties and never surrender individual thought.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Capricorn is the leader of the Earth signs. Here is a stabilizing force, one of the hardest-working signs of the Zodiac. The Mountain Goat has intense powers of self-concentration, but not in an egotistical sense. Members of this sign find a great deal more confidence what they do than in who they are. Earth hangs tough when it comes to stabilization, so achievement provides that stability and structure. Capricorn is one very high-achiever! Without balance, however, Capricorn can become too rigid -- as in the tall palm tree, falling to the ground, under heavy wind-gusts. To be able to move with the winds of change, the Mountain Goat must bend and flex a little bit! That makes life much easier. Capricorn can also focus too much on achievement. Then they forget the little joys in life. When the Goat finally relaxes and enjoys life, his or her most delightful secrets emerge. No one has a better sense of humor than the Capricorn. Oh, that Cap might let us bask in that warm smile! :-)

Sunday, December 07, 2003

Lots of crazyness has happened in the last week, For everyone I know.
All I can say is It Will Get Better. Lucky wants to help me get all my crazy shit together and I am very greatful. And pretty excited about starting over. Lauren, Chill. Everything will be better soon just give things time and just be liad back- like I know you can be. Not everything has to be so hard. And giving some space where space is needed can be the best plan of action. I think its great that you are putting yourself out there for "you know Who" It shows alot of courage to do that. Its very admirable. Now we just need you to get a new job and run away from that mall.- haha. But Yeah...
I really want to work on our friendship and I think We can help each other be better people. We should get together and go talk at snuffers- Yummy! HAHA- Holla Good night for now.

Sunday, November 30, 2003

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
THe past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Yes, I am very very sleepy... all the time.
I slept like crazy the past few days.
Friday night I went to hang up signs in Allen and Plano for this dating service to make extra cash. I was out till 4 am- I slept in the next day till around 3 pm. Mommy got mad- as usual. Then last night was Steve-o's birthday party and was out till around 5 am- Beautiful hotel! all decorated for christmas but stupid shit went on and I got all pissed off. Dumb ass Danny, WTF. I hate this shit that goes on whenever I hang out with him. I just want to say to steven , I am so sorry for bringing him- I thought he was gonna be cool but... He wasn't. And now mommy is not speaking to me- she is really unbeliveable. She called me "ungreatful". that pissed me off so bad. And all this shit because I overslept. I hate it that I can't afford to live on my own.
Shit. I hope this situation will change very soon.

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

I am really excited about thanksgiving...
Its my favorite holiday.
Alot of people will be at my house, we had to get 2 turkeys this year!
Anyways... I was told on monday that I am getting promoted next week!
That makes my happy X 2! I cant wait to make better money-
Things are happening.
And there isn't much to write about tonight. Not anything to complain about-hehe.
Sometimes I feel like thats all I do. I need to change that.

Monday, November 24, 2003

Tonight I learned something very important about love and friendship and true human emotion. This is going to be a deep one so if you aren't in the mood for it I'd say Skip on down to the next one.
I have a friend that I care for very much. I haven't known him for very long but he has made me a better person just by listening to him talk. Tonight he explained what true love should be. He told me things that I have told myself before, but coming from him it means so much more than from anyone else. I never had a "father" like figure...and in a strange way, I think that he takes that role in my life, And he plays it very well.
He told me (in not so many words) That true love is something you can feel in the deepest part of your soul. You love and appriciate every thing about that person, Every breath, every cell, every atom that makes up that person. You feel LUCKY- happy just to be beside them.
That you can't belive that YOU are there,and you almost feel like you don't deserve that honor. Love is to be charished with every moment,With every breath, all that you have- that is true love. He told me that what you give to a man sexually,you can never get back. To treat your body as a sacred place. All those feelings of true love can only happen when it is appricated by two people, True love is not one sided. I don't know if I will ever have these feelings- I have had a taste of them in the past but not in a long time. I don't know if anyone will ever feel this way about me. This is my dream. These are the emotions that I live for- This is what keeps me going and reminds me why I am still here. This morning I learned that my grandmother,whom I love and who is very close to my heart,has leukemia. I am so sad and I feel like I have lost her already. I can't bear the thought of all the pain she has to endure when she starts her treatment in the future. Tonight I learned that this dear friend of mine is also sick. I am scared of loss. I know that it's all apart of life and whatever, but it scares me to think that everything is fragile and temporary. I use to be very cold and now I find myself crying like a baby more and more. Maybe it's a good thing but I've always thought that tears were scary and they were a major sign of weakness and vulnerability. These are not the characteristics of the person that I want to be, but sometimes, in the bleakest situations, nothing is better than cring your heart out.

Sunday, November 23, 2003

This has been a weird week.
After the wedding and all the fam went home
It feels kind of strange at my house.
But at the same time it's really nice to have alone time again.
I have to say something...
Why do put me in a catagory ?- With out my permission.
And then get upset when I break that mold that you single handedly
made for me. Everyone is diverse. Thats just the way we are made.If everyone had only one way of being- no other interests or dreams than we wouldn't be as complex as we are. Don't judge me, You don't always know what you are talking about.

Sunday, November 16, 2003

After a while you learn the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and
company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises,
and you accept your defeats with your head
up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult,
not the grief of a child,
and you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertian for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.
Veronica A. Shoffstall

"A friend is a gift you give yourself" -Robert Louis Stevenson
" If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
-Mother Teresa
"Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, even celebration of another's personhood."
-Karen Casey
" It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back."
-Mick Jagger
" You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back."
- Barbara De Angelis
" From what we get we can make a living, What we give, however, makes a life." -Arther Ashe

" Knowledge is love and light and vision."
- Helen Keller

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Its hard to watch a person go through so much pain. Self inflicted of course.
Its all just a fairy tale and when reality hits, it hits like a sledge hammer.
Busting up your dreams with no effort at all.
Its scary how vulnerable we make ourselves.
how one person who is worth as much as a large bag of shit, can make
our lives miserable when they don't deserve to have that kind of power in the first place.
We give it to them and belief that they will regard it with as much care as we would.
but as previously stated they are not worth our pain or tears.
they didn't care after all. They showed signs of being a person of quality,but they can't help them selves. Because they are shallow people. Only interested in the pleasures of the flesh.
When will they see that their behavior hurts others... Never. Because they don't care to see.
They are self serving and only want to make themselves feel good. We give them things that we can't get back. Our hearts, parts of our soul,our innocence. All of our goodness and they take it. But they never feel obligated to give anything of themselves. Because that would make them feel vulnerable or weak. Not making them feel good and in control. We are the ones at fault here, because we are real, we are intelligent and we should no better. But sometimes its hard to see the forest for the trees. We blind ourselves by our own foolishness. With out dreams life would be hopeless. We put ourselves out there to the mercy of another. A person who is not capable of caring about a person with value. They want a person who is weak-minded and silly. Someone who will do anything and requires nothing in return.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

W. B. Yeats

He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams

Friday, November 07, 2003

Okay
I know that you know that I write in this blog to blow off steam. And I know that you do the same thing in your blog. No I did not write that stuff to start a fight. I shouldn't have to censor my thoughts. It is a privilege To read this blog- and I think the same way about reading your's.
I NEVER told you that those people would never love you. But they won't if you never tell them or let them close to you. That's a no brainer... And I belive YOU were the one that said it was not going to happen. If I agreed than I am sorry. But don't put that all on me because you were the one who instigated that whole conversation in the first place. Because I know that I would never say that mean spirited stuff by myself just in conversation.
And yes, you do have to watch your step. If you care you would know your limit and know what is exceptable to say to someone and what is crossing the line. I never say anything with out telling that person that what i say is ment to be taken a certian way. And you get so overdramatic about the smallest situations. How can you say some of the the things you do and expect everyone else to treat you with golden gloves. If you want to be respected and want to have a close friendship with someone, you can't spout off on a tangent about how closed minded they are. And I have never seen you hang out with any of the band members so I didn't think ya'll were all that close.sorry. Im not tring to be mean I just want to tell you how I feel and maybe you will understand somethings better...Like the fact that I never told you that they would never love you. You took that all wrong and turned the situation in to something that it wasn't. I am not a hateful person to anyone but myself. Or people who have wronged me in some dispicable way- I can't belive you would think I waould say that to you. I know how much you care about them.

Thank you
For giving me everything I need to be who I am.
And all my goodness and hate and love and everything that makes me who I am today.Who I am everyday. I think about all of this and smile.
You have done more than you know. positive and negitive. But all the same and I am greatful for my tears and my joy.
You are a strong force and whether you are real or just a picture in a stain glass Window,
It doesn't matter. To me you are something- Im not sure what yet.
But I know that there is some kind of connection between us. I don't know how you will
be in my life in the future and I can't say that you are the only one in my life, but there is a place for you,when I am ready to trust in you completly- someday.
I hope that we can come to an mutual understanding.
It is not fear that brings me to you. It is facination and wonder. Not fear.
Its mythical and archaic.

Thursday, November 06, 2003

"You look like shit, whats your problem bitch?"
"Your legs feel like sandpaper, you can't do anything right"

Fuck the bull shit. The "don't knock it before you try it" mentality is so ludicrous. I can make my mind up for myself.
I am sorry but I took the comment about me being close-minded
to heart.
just because I don't want or like the same things as others doesn't make me feeble minded
and that is so wrong to say.
I think that its okay to like thinks or dislike things.
its all personal opinions. And no judgement should come out of that.
Im sorry but the only thing that I was saying was that Polyphonic spree was not my stlye of music. I wasn't taken back by their performance on Conan last night. Im not a fan. Thats it. doesn't make me close minded. I think its great that you like them. good. but I'm not going to just agree and that whole thing is stupid anyways. Who cares?
Whats close minded is saying that I am close minded. Because if you opened up your mind than you would know that it is not narrow. Its just different.
And if different is narrow than that is okay with me. I have no reason to become anyone else. I like me most of the time. If I have to walk on eggshells than you should watch your step too. Its just the way things go. If I hurt your feelings I am sorry. But mine were maimed as well. The conversations that we have are really kool but I dont want to talk anymore about pointless shit that makes no difference in the world. Talking shit, thats all it is. Because none of it will ever be more than just talk if you dont put a little action behind your words. as well as mine. Our words.

Sunday, November 02, 2003

"It is not life that counts, But the courage you bring to it"
"life is good, moment to moment, & bad, on the whole, for lack of design.
We must make (always have) Our own design-
Relate ourselves with ourselves, Eachother, society,& universe.
Love only is design (only is consistant)"
-jack Kerouac

Thursday, October 30, 2003

Hi!!!!
I have a new outlook on things.

I love Halloween. I cant wait to go to all the parties and have lots of fun. Meet new people.
I just dont know what I am gonna be. Its gonna be so sexy though.
Love to all-


" Imagine A butterfly wing that flutters the air that stirs the wind that creates the storm that roils the sea thatcrashes the coastline of a Distant shore. We are a part of everything and everything is part of us. We are all one."

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Top Ten Things I hate
* 10- I really don't like people all that much.
* 9- Okay I hate people, all types of them. I don't discrimate I just hate everyone equally. except for those 10 % whom I love and Trust.
* 8- I hate my life because I am stuck in a trap. A circle. I can't seem to break away from things that hurt me and I carry them around with me all day... Which makes me unhappy and makes me hate my life.
* 7- I hate really pushy people who want to tell you how to live.
* 6 - I hate the self serving men that I get involved with. I can't understand how They are allowed to act as selfish as they do.
* 5- I hate The people that want to bitch about how awful their life is and then have no urgency to do anything to fix the problem.
* 4- I hate the way I am treated at times. Like I'm a charity case or like I can't do anything because of who I am or where I came from.
* 3- I hate it when I give my heart away and it gets thrown out like a dirty paper towel. like it has little importance.
* 2- I hate the way I live. Alot of my habits are killing me I feel like Im dead.
* 1- I hate being let down, I hate it when I let down myself or my mom. I hate the expectations that she puts on me and the rules of how I should behave or think. I hate the pressure of tring to make sure everyone is happy and I dont even do that. I just walk away or close the door. And she still doesn't get it. I don't want or can't handle that responsibility.

Monday, October 27, 2003

Hello?

Are you out there?

"Not even god takes this long to get back, so get back.
Cause I hit a fuck in the road and lost my way home.
Cut off from the main line "

"hello?"

"how do I reach you?"

This is my letter to anyone who understands why I am writing this. You know who you are.
I want to tell you what's really going on. To Tell you who I am because I don't think you have thought about this. and I (of course) Have thought about you.
Everyday. I know or I thought I knew, a lot about you. Who you are,What you are tring to do and what you don't think I know about you... But I know- I know that you think that you are playing me for a fool and you've got it like that. But that is wrong. I know that you are only interested in a few things about me. I know that you are a wonderful man. Insecure at times even when you proclaim to be "very secure"- This is what I have seen. You make a lier out of yourself in an effort to avoid confrontation. Which only fuels the fire-at least on this end.I have an emence feeling of respect for you and wish that you would feel the same for me. But I have noticed that you think very little of anyone who is not you. That is my recent prospective on you,anyways.
If you knew me at all, you would know that I have been here before- several times, and everytime I am gaining more and more knowledge on how people really are. This letter may come across as hurtful or rude but that is not why I am writing this. My main concern is that I tell you my feelings in a way that I know I would never be able to communicate in a conversation.
This is who you are to me - Adonis... A man who is beautiful. I regard you with admiration. I think very highly of you because I can see something in you that I want to be apart of and learn from. But it seems as though I have to learn about a part of you that makes me disappointed- By my own fault- A very wise man told me that I need to revaluate the degree of my expectations. And this is very true. This is who I am - I am young and yes, I know this. I have had many failed relationships. Too many. And I have been through this before. I have been lied to, I have been hit, I have been burnt, and I have been spat on. And yes litterally- but I am strong. I have been someone's Queen, I have been the source of someone's hate. I have been inspired and disgused. I have had my heart shattered and I have shattered a heart. I fall hard and fast. I get entwined in a persons life and I fabricate a relationship that is beautiful. But I am disenchanted. A very wise man opened my eyes to see what I was unable to see. Blinded by lust or love or admiration. Whatever it is or was, filled with happiness only to be quickly deflated by devistation and deep depression. Like a loss of a loved one or a chance that you know you will never have again- But I have been here before and I know that it gets better everyday. I love you and I am not saying this to scare you. This is not scary. I love you as a friend, a lover, and human being. I know that fate is real and we come in contact with the people that we do for a reason. You may look at me as an easy lay or someone who just takes up space, but you are so much more to me and I am blessed to know you. My prayer is that you have enough human respect for me that you will understand my reasonings and concerns and take them to heart. Tell me the things I need to know- straight forward and truthful. If I am nothing to you, tell me so that I can have that feeling of peace and be able to move along knowing that I am not going to be trampled on. If you care about my heart and soul, Tell me what you want from me- I want boundries. I want truth and I want respect.
I have feelings for you and I know what I want to do with them but I need you to tell me what I can do and how far I can go with them. I need a sense of clarity and stability. I have to have this to be okay.

Sunday, October 26, 2003

Disregarded when he is not inside.
why is this the way it has to be?
disregareded when he is not being pleasured.
who do you think I am?
This is who I am...
Disobliged every day and night.
hand picked to be insignificant.
Immolating myself to an undeseriving GOD.
Associated with every juggernaunt in this world.

You Know I need your love,
You've got that hold over me,
As long as I've got your love,
you know that I'll never leave.

I am not stupid, I promise :)
I just need to distance myself from men.
Tonight Danny kissed me and it was weird.
Its not like I've never kissed him before but
It was just not right. He always kisses me on the cheek
and we've gotten a little hot and heavy in the past but that was then
and this is now. He talked about moving in with me - getting an apartment.
Thats what we were originally going to do right out of High school but we didn't.
I would have no problems living with him and it would be alot of fun because we are close but Im a little worried about all that. I can't live with a guy that has feelings for me. I know he Loves me as a friend but I don't know what tonight was all about. He could just be lonely and wanted to kiss someone but I don't know. I cant live with him if he likes me more than a close friend. Not ready for all that and he still has to work on some things so that I feel like I can trust him again. And one of those things is to stop talking to david. I know thats alot to ask of someone-to give up one of their friends but david is a bad person.
I cant live with danny if david is gonna be stopping by and shit. He is not trust worthy and has not respect for anyone. I will never deal with him ever again and I don't want him anyware near my home. Ever.

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

Tonight I cried.
I really don't know what my problem is.
I am a selfish,insensitive, needy person.
Or at least that's the way I feel right now.
I use to be so self sufficient. But now I am just a silly little girl.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and it is a detriment to my soul.
But how Do you change something when you don't even realize that you are
doing it until its done. Its to late and you are totally broken to pieces over some thing you had no rights to in the first place.
Why, no matter what, do I put my self in the stragest situations.
it always seems that way. And then I get so upset over nothing- really its nothing. I haven't heard the bad news yet. Its all based on over thinking a situation. This is not new. This has happened before. Why is this such a problem. Stop stressing over things that you have no control over - stop tiring to control things that you can't control.
if its right then it will work out.
if its not then it won't. And this to shall pass.

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

You Are My Sister
We Are Of The Same Blood And Breath
Bonded Forever
* By Ryan Phillips

My Brother Wrote me this in my birthday card last year and I just found it today. It makes me happy so I wanted to put it in here.

I never knew it could be this way
It was never shown to me
intense, insane, incredible
Crazy Beautiful in every way.

"Is there someone out there that is supposed to be for you, you know, that one person who you are meant to be with for eternity. If there is one person for each of us then why does it take so damn long to find " - Robert

Work is going well, I am having alot of fun learning all About showers and such. Yesterday we went to a housing development and walked through new houses that were still in the building stages. And lucky showed me the house that he is building for Susan. It has a movie theater in it. It rocked!

I am trying to download all this music but my computer is not cooperating- Damn this computer- I wish I had DSL!
Everything would be so much easier!
I went to sleep @ 745 Laast night so Now I am up @ the ass crack of dawn writing in my blog and downloading music while the whole world is sleeping in their warm beds- Having nice dreams...Gurr! I woke up @ 4 and attempted to go back to sleep but that never works so I am just chillin.


Sunday, October 12, 2003

my life is very happy right now
I am having really good luck-
I hope Im not jinksing my self by saying this
but I am really excited- I have met someone who is special.
He is so beautiful. I love his brain and his body.
He really makes me happy and I love to be with him.
I just like to be around him and as strange as it sounds... I just want to
look at him. Just stare him down because I Have never met anyone as fabulous
as him. He is hot on so many levels. Its insane just to be with him.
He scares me so much but at the same time I like it. I know its a risk- because I could fall so hard for him but on the other hand- maybe it would be worth heartbreak if it came to that. I've never been with anyone that makes me feel like he does. He knows when Im thinking about things and he reads my face so well-maybe a little too well. He has very good taste too- that is always a plus... I love his art and the things he writes. GOD- he is so sexy.
I am blessed just to know him.


Sunday, October 05, 2003

My teeth are fixed for the moment!!!
Very happy and not feeling much pain.
So not much to write about...sabrinia is starting to really gross me out.
I wish she didn't say some of the things that she did today. Its just not right.
I know she's just a really strange Girl but- Still, I dont want to listen to that crap< I have to pretend like it doesn't bother me- But It does.
I think henry is awesome. A wonderful person. I am very in to him. he might be a little too secretive for me. I really need to stop getting with these guys that like to be lonely...He makes me happy to talk to him. Tonight's saturday and I want to be with him but Im not.
Jeff called and asked me to come over again- but I said no. Good for me! Be strong-
not much else...I just was totally grossed out by sabrina. She tried to get me to drive with her to Austin tonight- hell no!
I just got 6 teeth pulled 2 day's ago and she is not a person I would want to spend a mass amount of time with when I'm easily annoyed. And today I was very annoyed with everything. I feel bad because I snapped @ my mama but I was really getting pissed at everything.